I have briefly explained The Wife and my experience getting pregnant and then losing the baby. Well, this is a guest post describing what she has learned along the way. If you want to learn more about her or her other insights, check out her blog at After the Alter.
I was talking to my friend the other day and she said something very profound. She is a religious person, and we were talking about having the belief that everything happens for a reason, and how at this point I am not sure of the reason why my husband and I had to suffer like we did. She said something that made me think. She said that maybe the reason really didn’t have to do with me, that maybe it wasn’t a lesson I had to learn, but maybe the reason was for me to go through this so I could help someone else. And that got me thinking…Not everything is about me is it? Our life story just doesn’t affect us it affects those around us, and I actually take comfort in thinking that my situation could somehow help someone else. So with that spirit mind I wanted to write down the things I have learned through this experience, and share.
Yesterday I had my follow up appointment from my D&C. I was very nervous because since this all started I have not had 1 good appointment, but it went very smoothly. The doctor said I was good to go…and all I could think about was…FINALLY! He gave the usual speech about not feeling guilty, and how I did the hard part of getting pregnant…I told him I do not feel guilty (which I don’t), but I am extremely nervous. He told me what I already knew…that it was normal.
I have been feeling so much better since the bleeding has stopped, (which really has only been two weeks) but to me it’s a victory. I feel like I am back in the land of the living and am happy to be going on with my life. But moving on also leaves me to reflect on what I have learned, and I hope that by sharing this, someone out there can learn something….or at least not feel alone.
What I Have Learned:
I learned that the hardest part about the whole “getting pregnant” process is that….everything is pretty much out of your control. When I sat down with my doctor for the first time to discuss getting pregnant he told me that the average person takes 6 months to get pregnant. Did you know that?? I certainly didn’t. Our whole lives, we as women are taught how NOT to get pregnant. And then when the time comes to want to take that step, we find out it’s harder than we think! Then, when we do decide to start trying…you find that it’s all about waiting. That’s right, waiting. Waiting for your period to end so you can start again for another month, waiting to ovulate, and then waiting for the appropriate time to take a pregnancy test…THEN…if you are pregnant you have to wait to go see a doctor. So if you are ready to start the process get ready to wait!
I learned that no matter how excited you are to find out if your pregnant it is better to wait (there’s that word again) till you truly miss your period, and then maybe even a few days after that. My husband and I didn’t “try” very long. We pretty much got it on our first try. Just the idea that I COULD be pregnant got me so excited. I bought one of those early pregnancy tests and it came up positive on the digital screen! But finding out early makes it very difficult for the doctor to time how far along you are…and if you think you are farther along than you really are then you will be very disappointed and scared at your first appointments. Especially if you don’t see what you expect to see.
I learned that when the doctor tells you he doesn’t want to see you till your 8th week believe him! I was so anxious to go to the doctor. They told me I didn’t need to come in for blood work because the pregnancy test says it all. They told me to come in at 7-8 weeks. I was like..OMG how can I wait that long! So I pushed and got the doctor to see me at just before 7 weeks. BIG MISTAKE! I won’t make that one again. I feel like we are victims to technology. We learn things too early and see too much. Back in the day (or so I’m told) the doctor would tell you not to come in till you miss 2 periods….if you miscarried and bled you just thought your period came late, then you moved on. That’s why I think we hear about miscarriages so much more than we used to. I would’ve been so much happier if I waited 8 weeks rather than gone so soon. It would’ve caused me and my husband so much less heartache than going back and forth to the doctor each week.
I learned that you really need to trust your doctor. Everyone has their own opinion about what you should do, and you certainly can’t listen to everyone or you will go insane. Listen to your doctor, weigh your options and decide for yourself what is best for you. People will tell you stories and tell you what worked for them…but what worked for them may not work for you. So go with your gut.
I learned that the worst thing anyone could say to someone who is going through or went through a miscarriage is “You should’ve done this” or “you should’ve done that”, or that any choice that was made was in any way wrong. No one wants to hear that. Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda! There is no point in dwelling on what you should’ve done.
I learned that you need support, in whatever way is comfortable for you. Personally I got support from talking about what was going on. I got support from sharing through my blog, I got support from the women I met on LI families who were going through the same thing, and I got support from my family both immediate and extended. Most of all I got support from my wonderful husband. We were truly there for each other through this whole experience, and his love and support got me through some very difficult times. I am a lucky woman to have him by my side.
The last thing I learned, or at least am learning is that the unknown future is terrifying! I am excited to move on and try again, but I am scared to death of what will happen. I have no idea what the future has in store for me, but what I do know is that it is in God’s hands. I pray every day that my near future holds a healthy pregnancy, and a little bundle of joy that my husband and I can love more than anything in this world. For now I will enjoy life and take things day by day.